Churnin and Burnin at 50

Please don't get your hopes up that this is a raving mad post about THOSE books....cause it's not, I've already been there done that....no this is about turning 50 years old and all the crap that goes with it.

Oh sure Susan Saradon, Meryl Streep and Suzanne Summers just loved turning 50. Best decade of their lives.  Well hells yeah, I would love it too if I was worth millions, had stylists, makeup and hair artists and a personal trainer to come to my personal in home gym and spa.  If I could have had nannies and drivers and general hanger oner's to make my life a cake walk...I'd be loving 50 too.

Truth is I am ridden hard and put up wet.  I get out of bed in the morning like my 90 yr old Grandma did.  I'm tired and sick and can barely move most days.  This is not how I imagined my life at 50.

I was suppose to be free of kids, this was to be  the decade of ME, of travel and experiences and doing the things I've always wanted to do.  I had kids early on, I sacrificed and pinched pennies and had no dreams.  I didn't get fancy clothes or cars or trips or experiences.  It was hard work.  But I had my kid-free 50's to look forward too.

Well that all changed when I met my current husband.  I was 37 and we were in love. We wanted a baby.  So we got pregnant, got married and moved into my house.  Our baby was going to be smart and talented.  He was going to have all the things we never had as a kid and more than my first 2 kids had when they were little.  He would come with us as we travelled the world, he would have it all. And then we had that baby.  We got alot more than we bargined for.  That baby had an extra chromosome....

That tiny little extra piece of DNA reeks havic.  Amazing how something so little can be so big.  We fought to keep him alive for the first 3 yrs of his life.  There is no time for fancy vacations when your kid has a central line and myriad of other health problems.  Oh sure Grandma babysat a few times and we tried a vacation with him, to upstate NY, but he got sick while we were there.  And the dreams we had for him and ourselves had to change. 

Oh sure you can read the poem My Trip to Holland wipe a tear from your eye and tell everyone what a joy your child is.

Some days he is a joy, other days he's not.  Just when he's on the right track, he gets sick and we start all over.......

And now I'm 50.  My kid will be with me until we both head to the nursing home and he will need constant care. There is no me time, there aren't many fancy trips, weekends in a BNB watching the leaves change, hanging with friends or sipping coffee on the back deck on a crisp fall morning. 

I did look forward to 50.  I pictured myself on the Champs Elysee................snapping shots of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc of Triomphe......sipping champagne on the eve of my birthday.....having the french toast me at midnight...........of course I look like Carrie Bradshaw when she went to Paris with Alexander..........

Instead my dream was smashed.  My husband decided I couldn't go.  And I gave up my power and didn't book the trip. 

After a few visits to a counselor, we decided on a trip to Florida.  He crapped on that parade too.  Fought with me the whole time and I cried a lot.  We couldn't even go to the restaurant I wanted to go to on my birthday. They had live music and I wanted to dance...............but he didn't think he'd like the food.

I think I only got 1 card that said Happy 50th Birthday. Oh sure I got cards from my mom and brothers but none said 50. None of them planned a dinner out or a surprise, nothing.  Oh sure my mom babysat so we could go to Florida but there wasn't anymore than that. My adult children didn't even send me a card or even mention my birthday, yet their hands are out on their birthdays.

The only person in the whole world who made any effort on my birthday was my friend Lisa, who lives in Florida. She made the effort to drive over an hour to where we were staying, she bought me a gift, two cards and even had the restaurant bring me dessert with a candle in it and she sang happy birthday!  She took the time, even though I see her about once every other year and we chat on Facebook from time to time.  She was the only one.

I got no surprise parties, no drinks out, no wearing funny hats and being obnoxious at a bar.  No Paris either. 

After having a cancer scare (that's a seperate post) wherein I spent 10 days thinking I had lung cancer, it really gave me a chance to re-evaluate my life, my hopes and dreams and lack of accomplishments.  What I came to realize is, that I have not lived the life I wanted too, I haven't done anything to really make a contribution to society and I haven't surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me.  I also realized that I never thought I was worthy of having people care about me. 

It's time for big changes...time to live the life I was meant to live.  I am done with the shithole that is my life.  How this will look I'm not 100% sure o yetf, but I know what it is right now no longer works.

For every season as the song goes.................