I am still mad, but more hurting than angry.

It's pretty obvious they don't want to give in and let Alex stay at his school.

I emailed his beloved teacher on the last day of school and asked her to make sure that he got to say goodbye to the people he loved at school. She never emailed me back. That really hurt. I thought she really cared about Alex, liked us a people, just not parents. We talked about our kids together, we laughed together and held onto hope together. I really feel abandoned by her right now. People tell me maybe she's hurting too, I dunno. I just know that I am and my child will when he has to show up at a completely new school next fall.

How do you tell a child why... a child who can't always comprehend the big picture? When he can't verbalize "where is my favorite teacher, where are my friends, where is my favorite custodian who gives me a hug everyday?" All he can do is worry inside and act out. And not act out in the most appropriate way. What do I say to him, when he starts peeing in his pants, biting his classmates and refuses to work? That sorry honey, the big ole administrators felt it's a duty to teach you all about change? Don't they understand they are really teaching to not trust, to not love people, because they leave? Because they make you start all over again? Nothing is familiar, nothing is the same.... and then they blame you because you misbehave? Because you're frightened and just want the "old" routine back?

I use to brag about his school, about his teacher. I was smug. We never had the problems other have had...Alex has never had to worry about being voted out of his class. We trusted and we felt safe. Until now..... today I eat crow.

I can't say I've ever hated much.... but I really hate these people right now. My child can't have the security of a long life.... the security of being well for a long period of time. He use to have the security of a loving school....now that's gone too.

The school says they're doing us a favor. Millard Public Schools.... you can take your favors and SHOVE THEM!!!

I'm mad as Hell....

and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!

Did I tell you I'm mad???? Millard Public Schools suck. They suck rocks.... right now I hate them, hate them, hate them.

Why do they always have to mess with the most helpless of children? Because they are bullies and these kids are easy targets.

I may not win my battle.... but I vow to be the biggest pain in their arses and make them as stressed and emotionally upset and unsettled as I am right now. I want them to lose sleep at night, I want their stomachs to hurt and their hearts ache just like mine do right now. Momma Bear is alive and kicking!

There was a time.....

when I thought I'd never hear Alex say "Mom." He could say daddy (deeee), kitty (keeeee) and puppy (peeeeee - of course he wouldn't say peeeeee when it came time for potty training, but I digress), but not even meeee or eeee for mommy. I'd coaxed and coaxed and would have taken Hey You or Yo...anything, but nope. I was just a grunt or a growl or a general point of the finger in my direction (hey at least he could identify me when asked!). I learned to accept it. Tis better to be a grunt or growl than nothing at all eh?

OK, I accepted it at times. Daddy was deeee and even sometimes Steven if I was yelling at him (which is alot) and this little voice in his broken english would yell steeeee at him. Why was mommy so hard???

He was about 6 when meeeee or eee finally came out of his mouth (you see the pattern with eeeee items). I was so excited! Finally I had a name, a purpose! Well the purpose wasn't always one of grandeur... usually it meant he spilled something, broke something, was hungry or pooped his pants... but hey I had a name!

Now it's Mom. And I hear it constantly... Mom..... Mom... MOOOOOMMMMMMM! Again, it usually means Mom... I screwed up (insert spilled drink, broken item or pooped pants) but sometimes he just yells it out so he knows where I am. It's re-assurance that he's not alone.... Mom..... Mom.... MOOOOOMMMMM...... and once I yell "What" back at him, I hear a big sigh of relief... like all is right in the world.....

Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful moms!!! If you're not the momma... then go hug yours!!!!

My Poor Guy

Alex has been through so much medical testing lately, it's bordering on insane. He's been potty trained for a good long time now and suddenly in the last month or so, he's been wetting his pants and have the occasional blow out (yes of the worst kind!).

We at first thought it was a behavioral issue, trying to get attention. But it's gone on and on. I talked with his teacher (she's had Alex for 3 yrs now so she knows him well) and she doesn't even think it's a behavior issue or an attention seeking behavior. Soooo poor Alex, has peed in the cup, had sticky paddles stuck to his butt (don't ask), blood work, an ultra sound and finally this week, an MRI of his spine and bladder. All normal.

So now we're down to behavior or his ADHD meds. UGH.

He is seeing an urologist on May 15th and that's our final round in the medical field. Next is a developmental ped and/or psychiatrist.

I still feel like we're missing something medical. Or I'm in extreme denial that this is behaviorial. Ok... I am in denial about that. Behavior is oh so hard to fix and this kid is stubborn!!!! I am so disappointed that we've had to go back to carrying a diaper bag and putting him in pullups at night. He's been out of pullups for so long..... I'm just frustrated that he has regressed to a point where we're afraid to take him public for fear of a huge blowout diaper in the middle of JC Penny's!!!

Boy some days of having a child who is practically non verbal and stubborn can be rough. These are days when I need to count blessings instead of whine!!!