Seriously - An Update

When I went to find an instrument of doom for the big hairy ass spider....I came back and found that he  had made a mad escape!  Not sure where or how either, which is way creepy.Not really sure if it was a "he" they say the female spider is bigger.......holy shit! His mother is bigger??? OMFG!

So I might get morning 4 of Nightmare on 165th Street! or Spider Eats Little Dog, film at 11.

Seriously

These are things that have made me go Seriously?  for the past week.

I get up in the morning 30 mins before Prince Charming (aka DH).  So once I'm done in the shower, I have to shut off all the lights in the bathroom, open the door to the dark bedroom, tiptoe carefully (to avoid stepping on dogs or in dog puke or worse) to my dresser and open my underwear drawer. It never fails, every morning, the first pair I pull out are my old maternity (ginormous) whitey's (the kid is almost 12 now, so why are they still in my drawer - seriously).  I mean from month 8.5 with a 10lb baby.  Needless to say, they fall right off after I try to hike them up  (and not fall over from balancing on one leg, in the dark - mustn't wake sleeping beauty during his extra 30 mins). The second pair is always the old holy rollers.  Actually "holey" is more like it....cause they're barely being held together by a thin thread of elastic.  In the dark I can't even tell which holes my legs go into.  Pair number three is ultimately the sexy thong. You know the one I only wear on DH's birthday.  Sorry folks I'm almost 50, thongs don't do it for me at work. No one wants to watch me squirm in my chair all day, picking at my crack......Finally, the last pair is the one! Hey they're not granny panties...I'll have you know they're hi-cut briefs!  Seriously...

For the past three mornings, I have had to kill what I can only describe as huge hairy ass spiders. The kind that make a shadow on the wall as they walk by. Even the big dog won't go near them.  I know it's Halloween but I'm not running a haunted house here, a dirty house maybe but not haunted. I thought this morning I was safe...but nope I get up from my computer and there it is, Giant, Hairy, Gross Spider on the stairs.....So I get to go grab a shoe and crunch the sucker, if he doesn't leap for my juglar vein or eat the little dog first.......Seriously!

Had to hit the grocery store last night.  We were out of the oddest items and I realized that going in, but I had DH in the car, waiting on me, so I had no time for shame.  I came in the door by the pharmacy and spotted my beloved Immodium AD.  It's been off the market for a few months now, due to a shortage. I've been taking the generic crap, which means twice the pills.  Let me sum this up by saying I have IBS and horrible cramping all the time (doubled over, doing lamaze breathing cramps for no apparent reason other than my bowel is irritated - seriously). Immodium AD is my wonder drug.  I almost danced in the aisle when I saw it!!!  Then I got sugar free jello (hello Atkins dieter here), some chocolate chip muffins (for the boy) and a Lunchable.  So Mr Fifteen Year Old Know It All With The Talking Zit On Your Forehead at the checkout counter........did I need your comments on my items?  No I do not have the flu and what's it to you?  If you'd like a full-on 45 minute discussion on IBS and Atkins, I could oblige, if DH wasn't impatiently  patiently waiting in the car.....Seriously.......that was a buzzkill on my Immodium AD treasure hunt.........only wish I needed tampons to go with it all...........

On Sunday (before the grocery store trip see item 3 above) we needed dinner.  Hell to the no I wasn't cooking and it's hard to make dinner from a single serve Mac N Cheese bowl, a can of mushrooms and some dry meatloaf mix.  I was watching a self induced Sex and The City marathon and do you have any idea how many times they eat chinese in that series??? So I suggested Panda Express to hubby.  We really don't have much for good chinese out by where I live.  You typically take your chances with any of them. Plus I needed a drive thru, as I hadn't done anything with my rat's nest hair in 2 days. So hubby gets Orange Chicken, I get a 2 entree deal and the boy loves chow mein.  I drive all the way up there, with the dogs mind you as I can't leave the house without the dogs, and get home only to find they didn't give hubby the entree, but the side order. He had 4 pieces of chicken in a tiny box!  Of course it was my fault apparently.......which I guess I should have double checked, but it's hard when you have a little white dog head buried in the bag......Seriously..........

Because You Care

I got the infamous collage frame hung up.  All by myself....ok hubby helped me hang the "template" but I did the rest!  He deserves very little credit, considering all the bitching he did.....

I asked him how it looked and he said he didn't recognize anyone in the photos!!!  ROTFL....well they are all better looking than us and they are having way more fun than we ever did!!!

I was Framed!

I can't remember if I posted much about taking family photos. Oh yeah it's coming back to me now.... but we got the final proofs up and of course they're magnificent (ah hem).

So we're all deciding which ones to order etc.  Well me in my infinite wisdom and decorating flair, decided I wanted a collage frame.  A big one to hang over the loveseat in the family room.  Loveseat, Family Room, Family Pictures, it all goes together...right?  I'm brillant (mental note, apply for America's Next Top Designer show on HGTV).  So let the hunt begin. I do this very methodically. Get the frame first, then the pics sized to match the frame. Cool huh?  Welllll......lemme tell you....these collage frames are the spawns of Satan.

Since there are 11 of us in alot of the photos, we're mostly positioned landscape.  Alot of the frames have mostly portrait arranged slots.  I was thinking of having my mom and dad's shot in 8x10 and the others in various smaller sizes around it. There again, most were arranged portrait and not landscape.  WUGH.  I was dizzy with sizes and arrangements and blah blah.

On Friday I headed up to Gordmans. Got off work a bit early and had to time shop.  Lo and Behold! A miracle at last!  A big beautfiul frame, mostly landscape with an 8x10, 2 5x7's 4 6x4's and 3 4x4's.  I'm in heaven!  It's even green which matches the family room.  I hug this big ole frame as I grab gently lift it off the shelf.  I am Queen of all that is decorating and coordinating. I will rule the world of family photo display. I will be the envy of all my family and friends.........next stop.....The Louvre...ya know to help them "arrange" the paintings in a more aesthetically pleasing manner...

I get it home and lug it in the house.  Still beaming with pleasure and pride, I immediately take a picture of it to send my mom, who will weep with jealousy when she sees it........after all it is the PERFECT collage frame.  Until...............I measure the small cutouts...............

I am in shock.  I must not have measured right. This can't be happening to me.  The room spins and I measure 2 more times.......rulers don't lie (unless they're Bin Laden or Obama) the small windows are 3.5x3.5 not 4x4's!!!! WTF????   I dash down to surf the interweb.  To my horror, no one, but no one, prints photos out in 3.5x3.5!! Not Kinko's, not Snapfish, Not Shutterfly.  Nope not even the print shop in North Korea could help a sistah out.

I surfed for an hour and went up and re-measured yet again.  Nope- still 3.5x3.5.  I cried.  Seriously. I cried like a child who's lollipop was stolen by the mean ole creepy clown at the circus.  My ultimate in decorating planning was shot to hell.  I couldn't go on. I was crushed. I sobbed - I had hoped that tear stained, swollen eyes would somehow grow those 3 slots a 1/2 inch bigger all the way around...something, anything. I stomped my foot, I called the frame a dirty rotten whore and a sonofabitch......but really all that did was make the dogs cower behind the chair....

So this morning, defeated, I took it back to the store.  I told it I was sad and disappointed in it.  It let me down. I had dreams......and those dreams now lay shattered in the back seat.  My shoulders hunched and my head hung down.  The sales clerk added insult to injury by reminding me I had gotten 15% off and she'd have to take that into account. Ok fine whatever........charge me for being a failure..go ahead.

I decided to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I saw some frames online and wanted to see them up close and personal. I have to say, our store in town is a dump.  What a mess.  I bet the store in Joplin Missouri looked better after the tornado than this one does right now. Yish.  Anyhow, this is the frame set I settled upon.  Yeah it's kewl and all, but guess what? No one friggin prints 4x4's or 6x6's. Goddammit.  What is wrong with you framing people?  Do the same people who put 8 hot dogs and 12 hot dog buns in a package design collage frames?  Is this a conspiracy?  Is decorating this hard for anyone else or is it me????? 

I found Zazzle online and they allow custom print sizes. We'll see if the two I selected will print decent. If they don't, I swear I am getting scotch tape and putting them all up on the refrigerator door...screw it!