Bullies

There has been so much coverage on bullying and stopping it early and providing repercussions if you are the bully. I think we all can get behind that. No brainer really.

Back in my elementary school days (late 60's early 70's - you know horse and buggies and all) there was no zero tolerance. In fact bullying was tolerated period. I should know I was a victim.

To this day I don't talk about it much. It brings the feelings of shame right back to the surface, as if it happened yesterday. I still flush when I think of it. Most days it's not even on my radar, but it filtered up to the top this weekend. Might have to do with me seeing a therapist - might not - ha! This is very difficult to share.......I don't talk about it much. Most of my childhood was filled with trauma and hurt and that is something very hard to share with anyone, but here I am shouting it out to the world (or to the 2 people who read my blog! LOL).

I had to walk to the school bus every day. Not a long walk, but when you're a kid, it seemed like miles and miles. And when you're tortured en route and back home every day, it's even longer. See, there were three other girls on that walk.......three girls who verbally and/or physically abused me on the way. I hated that walk and I hated the bus ride. I begged my parents to drive me and that was no go as we only had one car and my dad had to be to work way earlier than I could be at school. I had stomach aches all the time but was still pushed out the door.

I told my mom these girls were bothering me and I got the sage advice of "Just ignore them." It's pretty hard to ignore rocks hurled at your head or three girls hurling nasty insults in a sing song voice on the bus (where everyone could hear).

There was an alternate route to take but it was on a busier street and I would still end up at the same bus stop. But it seemed like a good idea, the girls were on the other route and I'd only have to deal with them on the wait for the bus. If I showed up late enough, it was a mere 5 minutes of torture. Well it was a good plan while it lasted........good until I ran into the older boys that walked that route. They started in on teasing me and running after me, saying all kinds of dirty things. Now I was old enough to realize they were dirty things, but young enough to not understand what they all meant. The yelling turned into sexual assault one day, when I didn't run fast enough to get past them. This is the first time that I have ever acknowledged it as sexual assault and the revelation to myself stunned me. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I think I was so use to the trauma of walking to the bus stop, that I never put a name on it. I thought it was what happened to everyone if you didn't run fast enough to get away.  Children committing sex acts on other children did not register as abuse to me.  Oh and you can bet your bottom dollar I never told my parents. I wouldn't have been able to put into words what was done to me.

So I had a choice...verbal and physical abuse from the girls or take the alternate route and have fingers shoved up where they didn't belong ( we all wore short dresses in those days to school. Believe me I loved when winter came and it was pants and heavy coats!) and having my very flat chest grabbed and pawed and made fun of. Some choice huh?

Now a sane person would ask "why didn't you tell your teachers or your parents." Well here are two incidents that led me to never tell another soul about what went on. A new girl showed up at school, her name was Diana. She was quiet and shy. When I got home I told my parents there was a new girl and told them her name. Turns out her mom and my dad were 2nd cousins or something. Well this bonded us and we became friends. Apparently one day during recess, Diana and I were talking and laughing, playing. I remember it was a good day, I had a friend. Well on the bus ride home the three girls decided that I had been talking about and laughing at one of them. They started calling me names. I told them we weren't talking about her, we were telling jokes and talking. Well they demanded to know the joke. I told them the joke, it was some lame 9 or 10 yr old joke and they decided it wasn't a funny joke so I was totally making fun of the girl. It wasn't enough to taunt me on the bus and it got physical as usual. On this day I fought back, kicking and pulling hair as much as I could against the three of them. One of them had an umbrella and soon used it over my head. She broke her umbrella...yes over my head....and ran home crying. She told her parents that I had broken her umbrella........which led to a phone call to my mom...and a demand to replace the umbrella. I tried and tried to tell my parents what had happened for reals....but they didn't care, all they knew is that they would have to shell out money (I forgot to mention that we lived like poor sharecroppers never spent a penny on anything extra - I didn't even own an umbrella, even though we had the money as I learned as an adult, but my dad wasn't spending it any of it on us - but that's a whole nuther post) for an umbrella I broke. I got a beating with a belt for that one. I also got beat up again on the walk to the bus the next morning. I took alot of beatings in those days.

The second incident involved school. After a nightmare of a bus ride, I went to the principal. I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade at this point and was terrified to tell (the principal had a paddle in his office and he wasn't afraid to use it). But I had to do something. I told him that the three girls were picking on me and told him some of the things they did. Well he called in the three girls and talked to them. Then he called me back in and told me that the three girls said I had instigated all the fighting and that I had to learn how to get along better with others or I'd end up expelled from school or paddled or both. I was then informed by the girls at recess that I was really going to get it when we got off the bus. I ran all the way home with them chasing me, screaming insults to boot, as far as they could go. Phew! I was safe - I was home. Well not so. The principal had called my parents and told them I was causing trouble at the bus stop and on the bus. Yup you guessed it, I got another beating with a belt for having the principal call the house. I knew then and there I was on my own. Every day was fraught with fear and humiliation. At one point, the oldest girl told me she was really my friend and we could be friends as soon as the other two turned off towards home and weren't around. But she had to pretend she hated me while they were around. Can you imagine that I actually felt relief at that? I look back now and see how sad and lonely I must have been to consider a partial friendship as a dream come true. I considered it a great honor when she told me that they had written a nasty, dirty note about me and left it where I could find it.  I felt special that she told me ahead of time.....lessened the shock value.

When the oldest girl went on to Jr High and the two others and I entered 6th grade, the bullying eased up a bit. I think the triad had been broken and it wasn't so fun anymore. Then I started bullying. I remember the girl and I am truly ashamed that I did to someone else what was done to me. It felt good to be in power.......to taunt and not be the recipient. Until I got called to the principal's office for the very crime that was committed against me, I didn't stop. I am truly sorry for that behavior. That is the behavior that deserves shame......

While the bullying in Jr and Sr High wasn't as bad, I was still picked on here and there (had my name written on bathroom walls, the usual Jr/Sr High stuff, you know calling me a slut or a whore). Even today, I am being bullied by a co-worker right now and instead of handling it, I cower in my cube and ignore it when it happens. I guess I carry the victim stamp on my forehead. I try very hard not to be a victim, but I guess I do that. I know I'm the better employee but I still quake in my boots when it does happen. I'm still that little girl, standing on the old wooden bridge while three girls taunt me and tease me and throw my homework in the creek.

I did get a sort of apology from one of the girls later in life. It was kind of half assed I'm sorry for what I did. And you know what? I'm facebook friends with two of them!!! WTF? I'm still looking for approval from them.......all these years and I still want to be accepted by them.

I worry for my son now. He is so easy to bully. He wouldn't realize what was going on. I pray every day that the teachers are watching out for him.....as he is now in Middle School. He's so innocent....I think I would come unglued if I ever found out.........so unglued I might break an umbrella over someone's head. OK, I wouldn't be violent but you can bet your sweet patootie I won't stand by and tell him to ignore it! 

If you see bullying, step in.  If your child is a bully, put a stop to it.  If your child is a victim, belive them and get the help they need!   Never ever blame the victim. That is the most damaging of all. 

Word do hurt....