The Bird Whisperer

Spring sprang early this year.  We've had butterflies for months now.....which is so odd up north here.  Along with that all the flowers and trees bloomed early.  At this rate, the first snowflake will land in late August.  Meh.

And the birds are singing...and mating.  And building nests....in that order.  We don't have too many trees around our house, as the subdivision is too new, but there are few getting big enough for nesting. However, our grill is much more appealing as a home than a plain old oak.....

I bought some mighty fine beer brats (can beer brats be fine?) last week and while simmering them in beer and onions (for god's sake this is not a recipe/cooking/gourmet blog) I headed out to heat up the ole bbq.  I opened the lid and YUCK!!!  It looked like an emu built the king of all nests in the grill.  There were sticks and grass and garbage in there..........not to mention all the sh*t!! Emus poop alot and apparently they like to sh*t where I eat!!

Of course hubby wasn't home yet so I got to clean it up.  I picked out what I could and lit the fire (feathers and poop don't always smell too good lit up on fire either.....) and let it heat up to over 800 degrees, hoping that  bird lice and germs can't survive much over 100 degrees... and eventually slapped the brats on the grill (yes I scrapped it too).  Informed hubby of my massive efforts at dinner and he better damn well enjoy it (I think he gagged it down, his OCD on overtime with bird germs and lice)!

I'll be danged if a week later, I notice the ginormous piles of bird crap all over the patio and all over the grill! Those bastards had started a re-build - they're like FEMA on steroids - swear to God.  And no way was I cleaning it up, this is why we marry guys, so they can clean up after sex crazed emus!

We also got out the plastic owl and tied it to the grill. Oh yeah read the books, birds hate owls.  This one has yellow eyes, very spooky.   It's definitely an emu ass kickin' owl.  I'm confident that our problem is solved.  The birds can go get their freak on over at the neighbors and set up house in their fancy Webber.....and leave my cheap ass Kmart one alone!

Sunday morning.........awwww mother's day.  No one is up yet, let's hear it for some mommy time! I head over the coffee pot and pour myself a cuppa.  I glance out the back window and I'll be damned if it wasn't one of the emus (not sure how to tell naughty bits on an emu?) pecking the crap out of the plastic owl!!  Oh now it's on bitch-chezes!!

Using the superior brain that God gave us humans and not emus, I decided to get one those of metallic spinners to hang near the grill, thinking the light and movement will scare them.  Remember last year, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a metallic wind spinner???  They're really fugly truth be told and you couldn't get thru a store without at least 10 of them whacking you in the head, mostly because you're blinded and dizzy from the spinning or maybe that's just me...anywho..

I cannot find a frickin' metallic spinner to save my ever lovin' life.  Doesn't Walmart breed tacky and cheap???  Walgreens not far behind..Tru Value Hardware and Bag N Save.  Nope, no dice.  I could have bought 20 scary garden gnomes or turtles with solar lights in their shells......seriously.....

I stopped at 5 stores and finally found a stupid looking rainbow thingy, it's just a swirly piece of plastic but it's shiny and it moves and it was only a dollar.  No one will see it but the birds, so I figured why not.

It better work or I'm getting a BB gun.....