Crazy Pet Parents

You're out shopping at the mall and suddenly..BAM!  You run into your old high school nemesis.  You smile, run your fingers through your hair while she tells you how long it's been and you look great. Then she starts in with her kids. Of course they're perfect......she's a crazy "My Kids Are Fab-U-Lous" parent.  The oldest won his mock trials at law school, the middle one is interning for Obama (and you think Geezus I wouldn't brag about that...) and the youngest just won her fourth pagent.  Now she waits for you to brag on yours - sort of boring into your skull.  Your jaw drops and the left side of your face looks like Bell's Palsy as you try to come with something your kids have done that can top all that.... "Ummmm my oldest just lettered in high school (yeah he just got his second DUI and MIP) and the youngest was just voted "Most Likely To" (oh and she did, she's knocked up by the 35 yr old clerk at the 7-11, who still lives with his mom, but hey he's gonna make Assistant Manager by Christmas!)."  You nod a few more times, pull the left side of your face into a fake smile, tell her oh yes, let's do lunch soon and walk away thinking "Geezus she's still a bitch, 30 lbs heavier and no f*cking way are her kids that perfect!"  Mumble, mumble, mumble.....

Now crazy pet parents are just as bad.  I wasn't one for a long time. Oh I had a few cats in my day...one I loved, old Henry.  He weighed 26lbs and was a lover.  Dumb ass ate 2 ft of cord one day and had to be put to sleep.  So my pet braggin rights didn't present themselves often....until I got dogs. Welcome to Crazy Dog Lady Land.......oh I dress up the little one and put antlers on the big, dumb one and talk baby talk to them.  I will whip out my smart phone and show people in line at the grocery store how d@mn cute they are (while they flash me the Bell's Palsy smile). One day, while out running errands, my co-pilot on my lap (the little one in case you couldn't guess) I stopped at a light and looked over...Lo and Behold! It was another adorable little white dog! OMG!  We made the dogs wave at each other while we mouthed "OMF*CKINGGODHOW CUTEISTHISLOOKIT'SANOTHERLITTELWHITEDOGOMG"  Then we made them sing California Gurls and rap with Snoop until the light turned green again.  Yes I totally did this. And in my defense, so did the woman and her teenage daughter in the other car.

Yesterday I was gettin' my hair did and I really love my stylist (sounds so important huh - that's hows I roll).  "Cee" I'll call her (no it's not Cee lo Green, but if I was bff's with Cee lo, I'd totally call him Cee and we'd ride around in a pimped up '67 chevy, riddin' dirty, singing I'm sorry I can't afford a Ferrari", drinkin' gin and juice 7-up...but I digress. I can't decide if I have one wicked imagination or I'm bi-polar - you pick) to protect her identity is a dog mommy. She has no 2 legged kids, just the 4 legged kind (both boxers).  She dresses them up in costumes (they had giant afros this year) and even has matching raincoats with boots, so their paws don't get wet. When she gives them a bath, she puts the towels in the dryer for 20 mins so they have toasty warm towels to dry off with. Hell my poor kid barely gets a clean one most days, let alone heated.   So while she was covering the gray.... applying beautiful highlights, she tells me with a straight face............her husband loaded the dogs up in the car the other night and drove them around to look at Christmas lights......

I think I've been trumped......