The Scent of a Woman

I brought some of my Grandma's things home today. She liked to crochet and sew, so I have some of her handmade items. I had some of her towels and tea towels to wrap the breakables in. They smell like her and her house. It's only been a month, but I miss her so much and still am striving to actually believe she's gone.

I wasn't allowed to help go thru her apartment and clean things out. The kind of goodbye you need. I didn't get to smell her clothes and hold her things one last time, to see her home as she left it. My aunts made sure we weren't allowed in. I am angry at them for that. Now her apartment is gone, rented to someone else and so are most of her things. I wanted to say goodbye in her home, where her essence was. It's time to let go. But I'm still not ready.

I am grateful for the few things I know have of hers. I truly am. They aren't worth money, but they're worth their weight in gold in memories. But I'd trade them all right now for one more good day with her, one more chance to say I love you, to have Alex climb up on her chair and give her a kiss, the big wet sloppy ones she loved so much. I'd trade everything I own for that one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I don't want her things, I want her.

While we were carrying her things to the car, I looked down and found the most peculiar feather. It was black with white dots. Not whites lines, but actual polka dots. I showed it my dad and my PhD in wildlife brother and they had no idea what kind of bird would have shed it. I wanted it back... but my dad ran off with it. I think Grandma left it for me to find. At least I'd like to believe so. I hope I find more feathers.... I need them!